When I counted out the years I couldn’t hardly believe it. It’ll be two-and-a-half years since I’ve lived in California — which I knew well — but it’ll be over five years since I lived “home home,” back in the Bay Area.
Even though I’ve circled back to the Bay and to various parts of Southern California over the years, I’ve never lived away this long. And this go around, my time away has felt very long — so much has happened, and in many respects, living in Texas has felt much like living in a foreign land.
While my move out here was necessary at the time and well-reasoned, I was making it under the strain of my relationship breaking up, and needed to flee far away to get my freedom back.
Now, my life is in a whole other place. I’m successful and financially stable. I’m healthy and fit. I’m happy and emotionally healed. I’m free, inspired, and relatively unburdened. Finally, after so many years, I’m able to make a decision from the firmest footing I’ve been on. After months of weighing this decision, I know now in every cell of my being that it’s the right time to be back in California. It’s the right time to come home.
As I mentioned, I haven’t always had the luxury of making such a sound and firm decision, but I’ve been strengthened by building a good foundation while out here in Texas. The greatest strength I’ve received, though, and cultivated in this time is that of listening to my heart. When I listened to the desires of my heart again, opportunities opened up to me beyond what I thought was possible — opportunities that were going to help provide for my deepest dreams and needs.
It’s been a dream of mine I must have buried deep down somewhere... a very California dream of — you may have guessed it — living by the beach. Somehow I thought I couldn’t make it happen, or I wasn’t deserving of it. But I’m not thinking that way anymore. My heart opened up and told me what I actually desired. And I shifted. And the winds shifted. And somehow that’s what’s been gifted to be at this time. In November, I’ll move to Santa Cruz County, and live just a five-minute walk or so away from the ocean.
Four years or so ago when I was back visiting the area briefly, I drew out these symbols on the beach in the sand, steps from where I’ll be living now. I’ve been writing these symbols down in my journals nearly every week since.
Life moves in mysterious ways I don’t pretend to fully know, but can only feel. All I can do is trust it, and right now, I trust and feel I’m being brought back where I need to be: home.
