Recently, I was cleaning a bit of magnetic poetry on my fridge that had some schmutz on it, which reads:
your | strong | loving | heart
you | can | have | good | always
And it made me think about all the kinds of love I’ve had in this life…
I’ve had soul love, secret love, kindred spirit love, unconditional love (the best so far), platonic love, quite a bit of “erotic love,” though I’d call it more passion and sex than love.
I loved my grandfather who passed away this winter, and my immediate family (although they’ve been harder to love). So hard in fact that I don’t see them anymore, though my soul still cares for them from a distance…
Like the other night when I dreamed that my youngest brother (who I haven’t spoken to in about five years) was struggling with an addiction and unsafe behavior and I was advising my mother on the best way to help in a very kind and practical way. It reminded me that a deep part of me still cares.
Then I recalled a time growing up when my brother was little (the same one) and my parents were away on vacation and he got very sick. He was throwing up at our family friends’ who were watching us.
I remembered lying with him on the floor in the kitchen and trying to comfort him, being maybe only eight or nine myself and not knowing what was wrong with him or what to do. Soon, we’d learn he had appendicitis and had to go to the hospital for emergency surgery.
He probably doesn’t remember I did that, lying on the floor with him and how concerned I was, being so young at the time. But it doesn’t matter now. I’ve also learned that love and its companions — care, kindness, and respect — don’t always go both ways over time.
At my age now, though, I am wondering what kind of love I’ll experience next…
I am hoping for a wise love — if I’m lucky.
One that can be formed and shared only from the many loves, lessons, and losses of time.
"Day 020/365 - Losing Focus" by contemplicity is licensed under CC BY 2.0.
